It’s a little weird.  I am trying a new thing.  Writing while having a glass of wine (okay, okay, it’s my second glass).  Let’s see how this turns out.

Usually I don’t like to drink when I write.  It’s a thing.  I don’t want my best writing to be done behind the bottle.  I love to drink, and definitely drink more than my fair share, but I’ve been pretty diligent to keep it purely sober.  But tonight is different.  Tonight, although I’ve had a numb, shit kind of day (hence, the wine), I was inspired by a podcast I heard on my hour and half long commute from my day job that spoke of writing for writing’s sake.  Creativity for creativity’s sake… (And No, those are not to be read “Sak-e”, but, good on you for your kindred like-mindedness if you thought that.)

Writing for writing’s sake is a recent discovery I have had.  On this podcast they mentioned how the typical frame of mind in today’s society is that if you have a “hobby” then you should monetize it.  They said actually that “hobby” is a dying word.  We like to call it a “side hustle” or a “passion project” because that sounds more productive or something. And I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve definitely fallen prey to this line of thought.  And shit, let’s be honest… “Hobby” is so much of a cuter word, anyway.  It’s unobtrusive, innocent, sweet, even.

But yes, I’ll be the first to admit that the last few years have been practically a I’ll-sell-my-baby-if-I-had-a-baby conviction that if I didn’t make money from something I was exerting energy to?  Well, then, it was worthless.  Money equated value. Over the past few months, this line of thought has changed dramatically.  I am now just fucking enjoying writing for writing’s sake.  And if I am honest… well, I am kind of fucking terrified of our words actually getting discovered.  Although, we’re putting it out there, so, I’ll deal with that fear if they do.  But, I care less and less about the popularity of it all – I just want it to make a difference.  I don’t care if I know about it.  And even still?  It’s cool if it doesn’t.

I know that my past way of thinking kept me from really committing.  If I didn’t see instant results? My god, my ego was like a tac to a balloon… not even deflated, just emacerated.  And so I would give it the ole’ 2 months of effort, and after that balloon would burst, I’d write it off like a skinny girl asking if she looked too fat. (Okay, that’s not fair…  there are so many beautiful women out there seriously struggling with body issues, but I digress…)

This is something new.  This is something exciting.  Writing for writing’s sake.  Art, for art’s sake.  And I am finding that much of this world is meaningless, anyway.  I work in a corporate job setting – and I’ll tell you, the more I get in deep with it, the more I realize we are all just a conglomeration of egos, insecurities, fear and hope… Even at the top.  We like to think that at least ONE person has their shit together… But in all honesty?  No… we all struggle.  We all have our guilts and fears we lug around like that china dish you hate, but you just can’t part with because, well, grandma gave it to you.  Truth be told, she did likely pass on those guilts and fears… through her daughter and then on to you, but, whatever…  The point is, we all have them.

So what does this free me from?  Well, for an A-type moron such as myself, I can finally rest and start to see things for what they are – just shots in the dark towards something that means more.  Doesn’t matter if you find it.  Doesn’t even matter if it does anything. Just matters that you’re trying.  Trying to push aside the ego and fears… It’s okay that it doesn’t amount to anything of “value.”  It’s okay that it is just what it is, one more attempt at an expression of what matters most.

Art for Art’s sake… Yeah… Let’s give ourselves permission to just do what makes us feel like we contributed, even if just a little.  And don’t let those that get famous or get paid well for stupid, insignificant shit, make you feel like your contribution doesn’t matter.  Because it does.  We all need what lives honestly inside of you…

Rock on, anyway.  And I’ll be rocking on to my third glass of wine tonight.


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