From Leaks in the Home to Leaks in the Heart

We had a decently severe leak in our home about 2 months back. 

It started with a few of our floors warping and buckling upwards and we thought, huh, that’s weird. 

I also noticed that our kitchen sink would immediately spit out hot water instead of cold. We usually have to wait for hot water… Again, very strange.

So, we went ahead and did the right thing, and left it for another week.

Then we started noticing water spots in our living room, our front door wouldn’t open all the way, our office door stopped latching, and our floors started warping even more, and becoming increasingly squishy… Quite peculiar indeed.

Did we think oh, maybe we should check under the home for any issues? It may have crossed my guy’s mind, but it didn’t for me. (I am not going down there.)

Well, cue another week later, and we have warped, squishy floors in almost the entire home. Great…

Finally, my guy opens the crawl space.

It wasn’t as bad as we imagined it could have been…although I may be underselling it. The crawlspace was so moist and humid, the beams near the crawlspace (on the other side of the house away from the leak, mind you) were literally dripping with condensation.

To make a short story longer than it ever needed to be – my guy crawled under the home, found the leak, and he was able to fix the whole thing himself in about a day. Whew. (But, back to waiting for hot water in our sink.)

The next few days were spent attempting to air out the crawlspace with fans. The floors will settle back down, right? No problem. It should be getting dry down there now, so eventually our floors will return to normal.

It’s been another 4 weeks. They are not back to normal. 

Fast forward and we’re now dealing with insurance claims inclusive of some sub-flooring repair, and having to rip out our entire home’s flooring in order to correct the damage. 

I was thinking about this, this morning over my coffee at our kitchen table, atop my deformed floors.

Foundation. Squishy Floors. Truly indicative of a HUGE problem going on down there.

And, Same, Same for our Souls.

I often procrastinate at the first sign of soul warping as well. Hell, over the last few months, it’s been a recurrence that I simply refuse to address. Covid-19 chaos, the great mask debate, pandemonium on the streets in prominent cities, crooked politicians, craziness all around… I have immersed myself in learning the political landscape at a level I have never comprehended before. I have been following details of all the various happenings. I have been so inundated, I haven’t seemed to notice that my soul’s foundation is strangely disfigured.

‘Twas time to open the crawlspace of my heart, and…it wasn’t pretty.

When I peeled it back and took inventory of what was happening… I found a few extra pounds here, an abnormal sleeping schedule, an indifference to engagement with family and friends, a numbness to the health and stability of my relationship, a general disinterest on normal things that I typically love, and practically an addiction to anything that’s breaking news. I’ve been so distracted, so sheltered (because, good human), so shut off from the normal world that I actually realized I’m depressed to a degree. It really gelled when I had a devastating thought – what am I going to do after all this is over? Who am I after this???

After the election chaos calms down (which I don’t suspect will happen for a few months, even after the election – but I hope I’m wrong), what am I going to focus on? Where did my interests go? What have I actually accomplished within this cursed year of 2020? I’ve had time – Lordy, have I had sooooo much time…

So, a restart is in high order. A refresh. A forced schedule is on the docket – For starters, my guy and I have begun working through the book, “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman. Which – has been amazing for us over the last 3 weeks! We’ve begun connecting again on a very raw level – something we both have been lazy with over the last year or two.

I’ve also set up a few workout goals, writing goals, firearm practice goals, motorcycle practice goals, book reading goals, and painting goals. 

Do I feel like doing any of these things? No, but if I waited to feel like doing any of these things, they’d. Never. Get. Done. Did we feel like fixing the leak under the home? God, no. But if you don’t do it, you get a fucked foundation. And I’m tired of having a fucked soul foundation. 

But, It’s sad – I’ve let myself lose so much momentum from previous years, that it’s akin to walking through knee-level mud to get going again. Even worse? This is applicable to stuff that I’m pretty sure I LOVE. What is wrong with me that I have to literally force myself to do the things that bring me joy? It feels like I have a general disinterest in everything. I suspect I am not the only one with this kind of predicament, though – especially given this plague year we’ve all been going through. But sometimes you just gotta roll up your sleeves and get to work. We gotta force the momentum. And that’s okay. So long as we recognize it, act, and get ‘er done. Sometimes action is the only way through.

I’m hopeful that by 2021, my momentum will have kicked into high gear. I am hopeful that, although I’ve only left myself with 2 1/2 more months of this year, I can look back in pride that I chose to do better than the months before. I am hopeful that come 2021, I’ll have changed the trajectory of my life through the small, day to day choices I choose to make, today. Regardless of how many more months are in this current year. And with that all said – 2021 can’t come soon enough.

Cheers!